3 Years

3 years ago tomorrow, my baby was born. Childbirth was nothing new to me...it had happened 3 times before, and having the aversion to tardiness that I do, my body delivered a preemie for the 4th time. I remember a lot about the morning that he was born. I remember being sent home from the hospital that evening, and even though the contractions were getting stronger and closer together, I wasn't going back to be admitted again so I waited. I waited until I couldn't bear the pain anymore. We left for the hospital at 4:52 am. I remember the nurse looking at me with a surprised look saying, "There's going to be a bay for you today!" I remember getting hooked up to the monitors, and wanting nothing more than to go to sleep or at the very least get some drugs, but there was no time I was 6cm and my water was ready to rupture. At 5:07 am my water broke, same as the woman next door...the race was on.
5:16 am I was ready to push. This delivery was a bit different, I remember screaming at my not so favorite OB in the practice that something didn't feel right, I remember cursing, I remember reaching for my husbands hand, but only getting his wrist (smartest move he claims to have ever made). I couldn't figure out why it hurt so bad, and this was my 4th NATURAL childbirth. He arrived face up, forehead first, there was no cone...just face...
At 5:26 am I saw him for the first time, only I remember thinking he didn't look like a Thor Saren, so Justin and I fell back on our 2nd choice, and it fit. At 5:26 am on December 2, 2008, we named our 4 lb. 13 oz. baby boy Odin Grey. He was cleaned and swaddled, and he was placed in my arms for the first time.
I remember looking into his beautiful slate blue eyes and falling in love with this baby, who from how much it hurt, I could have sworn would have weighed more.
He didn't cry, he tried to nurse, but he was new to this so we just stared at each other while Justin called everyone, and then called to check on the other 3 who were still asleep at home. For an hour we stared.
At a bit past 6 am the nursery team came into take him to get cleaned up and have a once over. They told me that we would get settled in and they would have him to me within the hour.
At 8 I started getting nervous. I begged Justin to go check, the Post partum nurse came in but never came back with an update, she just told me to rest that someone would be in shortly, or the last time she said that she would check again, but she didn't come back.
At 11:56 the NICU doctor came in, without my baby boy. She sat on the bed, and she told me what happened. They were taking his blood for newborn testing, he was in the warmer, he was kicking and crying like normal. Then, she said, he started to grunt, and then he turned blue, and then he stopped breathing. I'm not sure what was said after that, because I used up the rest of my energy sobbing. What had happened to my baby. Why wasn't he breathing? Was it something that I had done? Was he going to make it through the day? What was I going to tell the kids?
I was allowed to go see him at 1:30 that afternoon, I am still not sure if it was because they were ready for the sobbing mom, or because they just needed me to stop pestering them. He was on a warmer table, nothing but a diaper on, an oxygen hood over his head. I couldn't stand up. I knew it was ok to touch him, but I was terrified, so I stared.
I don't remember Justin taking me back to my room, but he did. I don't remember getting into the hospital bed, but I did.
After 6 hours, I went back. On my own steam this time, and it drained me. I went to his bed, where the second shift doctor explained to me that he had stopped breathing again so they needed to put him on CPAP and Surfactant to keep his lungs inflated and air flowing. I sat down and all I could do was cry. It wasn't a my hormones are all out of whack cry, it was a cry of terror. I was overwhelmed with emotion and uncertainty. At this point Justin was in the room hacking with a terrible cold, so he wasn't allowed back in the NICU until he was well for 48 hours, how was I going to explain all this to him? Was he ever going to hold his son? What was going to happen? The doctors weren't giving us much hope because they couldn't figure out what was wrong or why this was happening to him. They were pumping him full of antibiotics because there was a tiny spot of something in his lungs on his X-ray, but they didn't think what ever it was should have effected him that much. We were just going to have to wait and see.
Leaving him that time was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. But I had to do it. I wasn't any good to him thinking of the worse, I wasn't helping him rest by sobbing, and I certainly wasn't winning any popularity contests with the nurses. It was the longest walk of my life from the NICU to my room, and this time I remember every agonizing step.
I set my alarm for every hour on the hour so as not to miss any updates, the doctors will not wake you for an update. I pumped every 3rd hour, I had to think that eventually he was going to need to eat, he was going to make it through this and when he did, he would need my milk. It kept me distracted.
At 7am the nurses were optimistic since he had made it through the night. Clear headed I could see everything that he was attached to. The tube down his throat to help him breathe. The IV in his tiny little arm, and the one is his teeny little foot. The 3 leads that monitored his heart and his individual breaths. The little foot glowing for the line that measured the oxygen in his blood. The mask over his eyes to induce rest. I asked for an update, but after 3 hours and not seeing the doctor, I realized no news is good news in times like this, so I kissed his hand for the first time and told him I loved him. I needed to eat so I went back to the quiet room to order lunch and get some rest.
I went back every 2 hours that day. I set my alarm to wake every hour on the hour again that night. I went home the next day. I had only 1 visitor, my mom, but I think she got tired of the crying and she had to back to work. 4th babies are nothing new, and no one knows how to comfort a mom that is leaving without her baby, it was probably better that way.
I had done the NICU experience before, but I didn't expect it to be so difficult with the 3 others at home. It was truly exhausting, going back every 3 hours, waking every 2 at night to pump, agonizing to be away when Justin had to go back to work.
After 3 days, they took him off the Surfactant. At 5 he was off the ventilator all together, the worst was behind us. His Aunt Beki was the first person other than me to hold him when we snuck her into the NICU on the 6th night.
On day 14 he came home. New terrors came with that, what if something went wrong in the middle of the night? There would be no  monitors to catch it. What if one of the kids got him sick? What would happen then? I was a barrel of nerves his first week home, more so than I was with any of the other 3.
Fast forward to today and we have had 3 years that we didn't think we would have when he was just a few hours old. There have been lasting effects from everything that saved his life. He is deaf in one ear because he lacks the proper structure for his nerve to function because of the combination of antibiotics. His teeth are weaker from the Surfactant that penetrates down in the gums, so he will forever have to be weary of getting his in the mouth. He has a bit of a developmental delay from the combination of being born early and lack of oxygen, but he is quickly compensating for the delay, and we are hoping that at his check up it will not longer be a huge issue.
I may not always express how much I truly care about and love my kids as I vent about everything they do, but I am thankful for every day that I have had with each and every one of them. So as I complete this blog, I want to remind everyone that I truly believe that my "Obie Ray" deserves all the attention in the world on his birthday because every single one of them is special to us because he came so close to only having the origional. I will be stepping off and out of the digital realm for the 2nd of December to celebrate and give thanks. I will let you all know how it went on Saturday!
Goodnight and good wishes.