The First

Jaxom registered me into the land of firsts the  moment we found out about him. First Pregnancy, First Boy, First Morning Sickness, First Noon Sickness, First Night Sickness, First Fight, First Time Fear got the Best of Me, First I Cannot Fake My Way Moment, First Preemie.

I remember finding out about Jaxom, I (we) thought he was the flu. I was so sick, I couldn't catch a break, I was trying to find a job, so we went to the ER. The nurse came in and drew blood,  and he came back about 45 minutes later to hook up an IV. Assuming that the doctor had already come in to talk about what was going on, he asked how I was feeling, I told him, and he shook his head and muttered, you girls and your babies. EXCUSE ME?! Oh, you didn't know, so let me slink out of the room like a rat and get the doctor.

Yep, it was nothing fancy, nothing romantic, we found out in a little Podunk ER in Illinois. Justin, well let's just say he had a less than flattering moment when we found out. I was floored, but I did my best to turn around quickly. It was August 21st, 2001 @ 11:17pm when we found out. The hospital gave me a bottle of little itty bitty  anti-nausea pills to go home with. Those pills did nothing but make it impossible to sleep at night and stay awake during the day...they did not stop the nausea.

We decided to wait until my birthday to tell anyone the news. I called my mom from a pay phone with a shitty cord down the street at a convenience mart from where we were being temporarily sheltered from our move to Illinois, if you remember these were the days before affordable cellphone coverage. I called her, she wished me a happy birthday, and I dropped the bomb  as gently as any new 19 year old could.

Hey Grandma, how's it going?
Grandma?
Yes, Grandma.
Did you get a puppy?
No.
Did you get a kitten?
No.
What did you get?
A baby...
click.

Well that phone conversation didn't go as I had in mind, but it turns out that I was the one that dropped the call...I either didn't feed the phone enough coins to make the long distance call...or that cord crapped out.

We went home for a visit in October, I had found a job and took a weekend off. Justin still had not found a job however. We had our last paychecks waiting for us at our previous jobs though...so that was something. There was something about coming home that felt right though. And it was then that we made the decision that moving to Illinois was the wrong decision, and we made arrangements for me to drive a huge U haul with my car in tow back home.

We stayed at my parent's place, it was only going to be temporary, but turned out to be a bit longer. I found another job at a bank in Centreville, Justin went back to Pizza Hut at another location. Things were going well...well enough. We found out when Jaxom Xavier was due, April 24. The same day as my Grandfather. We were thrilled. Then Milkshaker died on Christmas Eve. Justin asked if we wanted to name our son after him instead...Jaxom Alford. It was perfect.

On March 3, I called out of work. Something just didn't feel right. I was nauseous, my back hurt, I just wanted to lay in a tub of water all day. I called my mom, she came home and took me to the hospital. Low and behold...I was dilating...I was in labor and didn't know it. I was a 4 and 40%. I was admitted right then and there.

The next 4 days are a haze to me. I was stuck in a little itty bitty room for pre labor, Justin was with me the entire time. I remember lots and lots of doctors and nurses coming to check on me. I remember being really sick from the meds they were giving me. Justin often jokes that he didn't know how I kept puking because the only thing going in was IV fluid. Apparently I was like Old Faithful...he could keep time with my vomiting.

On March 8 the team of doctors decided that they could delay the inevitable no longer. They stopped the meds...which by the way immediately stopped the vomitting and sent me into a bigger room for L&D and into active labor. I remember asking when I could have an epidural...I couldn't have one because of the bars in my back...well now was a fine time to tell me that. They gave me a shot of Demerol instead. They broke my water, and the show was on the road.

I went from 4 to 7 to 10 in 30 minutes. Time to push. It didn't take long to get that tiny little boy from my exhausted body, and when I did...he was a deep blue. That's all I remember of him. They whisked him away quick as that as well. He was way too early. He went straight to the NICU. I couldn't see him for another 12 hours.

When I did finally get to meet him, he had oranged up quite a bit. Yes, I mean orange. He was so jaundiced. Good news though he was breathing on his own. We had a fighter, but he was soooo tiny. 4 lbs. 11 ozs. 20 inches long. He was sticks and skin. He didn't cry, he didn't move...he just kind of lay there as if he knew that getting upset was of no use.

Jaxom had many ups and downs in the NICU, losing weight, becoming to Jaundiced, gaining weight, refusing to eat, failure to wake. I can no longer count how many times I wanted to throw in the towel because it seemed that there were more bad days than good in the beginning. He did eventually hit his stride and we were coming home together on the 19th.

The very first picture of Justin and Jaxom though showed how impressive his jaundice was...as white as Justin is and as orange as Jaxom was...it looked like someone had dropped an orange on a fresh blanket of snow.

Jaxom has grown so much in the past 10 years. I can't even believe that it has been 10 years since I met him face to face for the first time. I miss the days that he was little and innocent, but I have learned to cherish these days a little bit more. Everyone tells you that they grow up fast, but no one says it in a serious voice. They are all consumed with the baby in your arms to say it sternly, instead they say it in high pitched squeaky ones...so you take it as a joke.

Jaxom is now closer to being out in the world on his own and that terrifies me so much. He will be my first to graduate, my first to leave the nest(? maybe). I wish I could stop time, but that would do no one any good. I can just hope that he grows up to be a fine young man.