Moving on

Arwen Grace was due on 11/23/2012, but she arrived in June resulting in a heart breaking loss to my family. We were all excited to have a little girl join our already large brood of 3 boys and a single girl. We were making plans, buying clothes and bottles, and making room in our busy home. Complications arose in late June with some bleeding, then I started leaking fluid. We had all hoped that with some rest and relaxation we would be able to hold on for a few more week to get her to a viable age outside of the womb. Unfortunately, our best hopes didn't work out and at 19 weeks we gained another Angel.

It has been 2 months since we lost Arwen, and most of the time we are ok. Other times, not so much. When we got pregnant lots of my other girlfriends were announcing as well that they were expecting a wee one in the world and soon. While I am so excited and happy to see all of their beautiful babies, a part of me still hurts to know that I never got to know my little one, never got to see her smile or grow up. The loss is still fresh enough that we cry sometimes, but it is starting to heal.

As of late we have been removing some things that we no longer need from the house to sell, mostly to clear out some space, but also to fund a surgery that our insurance company considers elective. My husband and I have decided to sell the clothing that we had purchased for Arwen since we never used it. While I was packing it into a box for next weekend, it all came rushing back, all the hurt, sense of failure, missing the kicks in my belly. I thought that I had moved past all of that weeks ago, but I guess that I hadn't.

I am lucky enough to have an amazing support group that I can reach out to at any time. We have all been there and they seem to really understand what I am going through. It helps because then I know that I am not alone, there is a proverbial shoulder to cry on, and ladies I thank you for that.

I am learning though that moving on means that you have to start to let go, let go of the pain, the what if's, but that it doesn't mean that you have to forget. Arwen Grace will always be in my heart and in my mind, I don't have to let go of the thought of her.